Working Sucks.

Excuse me while I vomit all over the internet today. But I just need to put this out there. Hopefully it won't backfire in a "be careful what you wish for" kind of way.

Lately, I'm kind of depressed. Well depressed when I think about 1 thing. The fact that when Baby #2 comes along, I will yet again be taking 3 months off & then shipping TWO children off to daycare while I go to work. Full time. When my heart wants me to stay home with my children. Full time.

I do realize being a stay-at-home mom is like the hardest job EVER. But, it's also something I'm passionate about. My child, my heart, my world. And I spend 40+ hours a week away from her. At a desk. Liking my job, but not really having a strong passion for it.

Some days I'm SO glad I get to come to work & ship my cranky toddler off to daycare to deal with. But the fact is, I would trade my left boob to be able to stay home with her. To not feel like I'm missing out on so much of her life. I'm not the first one to see her do her first things. I change 1-2 diapers a day & feed her dinner & days she doesn't eat dinner? I'm just assuming she ate well at daycare. It's the little things, but they really add up.

And the thought of having 2 babies, who I have to be away from all day, 5 days a week? It's just killing me right now. Like absolutely killing me. In bed last night, I asked Brandon if he would please get a 100% raise so that I can stay home when the baby comes. He kind of chuckled. But really? I wasn't kidding. I know it's not realistic, but I wish it was possible. I can't really talk to him too much about it, because he works so hard & does what he can & I know that he wishes I could stay home too. So seeing me sad about it? Only upsets him more that he can't make that possible for our family right now.

I need a hobby that pays me lots of money. I love to plan parties, but what does that do for me? I can't quit a good paying job with benefits & go ask my friends to start paying me to plan their bridal showers. Sigh.

So that's where I'm at. Really sucks. Most of the time I'm ok with our situation & I am glad we can give Abigail a wonderful life, but some days, like today, I ache down to my bones to be able to be home with her.