This is really hard for me to write. I'm somewhat in denial. Even today, someone asked me how old my baby is & I told them 5.5 months. Because technically she's not 6 months old until tomorrow at 9:19pm.
Wow...has it really already been 6 months? Half a year? How is that possible? It feels like just yesterday I was holding her for the first time. I love Abigail more than I ever thought possible. You know, I always wanted to be a mom. Some people dream of being doctors or traveling the world - I dreamed of being a mommy. I would lay awake at night thinking of how bad I wanted to be a mom and how wonderful it would be. Then, when I was pregnant, I worried. What if it wasn't the fairytale I dreamed of? What if I wasn't that great of a mom. I mean, I really did suck at babysitting.
And you know what? It's not like I imagined, it's so much better! I LOVE being a mom more than I knew I could. I never knew I had the capacity to love so much. When I'm without my daughter, I leave my heart with her, and when I pick her up, I feel whole again. I've heard this before, from other mothers, but I didn't know they meant it so literally.
It's amazing. It's the most beautiful thing in the world and I really do feel like my life didn't truly begin until 6 months ago. Before that, I was mearly drifting through life. Naively selfish, ignorant, and blind. And might I add, a lot more judgemental - babies really do change everything!
Abigail is the most amazing little girl. Just sitting here thinking of her is making me tear up. She is so beautiful, so vibrant, so happy! Ok, so not always happy, but she has so many smiles. Even when she's sick, she smiles and giggles. She hides her face when she laughs, like she's playing shy. She LOVES her dad! When he walks in the room she immediately looks around to find him & as soon as she sees him, her entire face lights up. I love seeing them together, and I love the dad that Brandon has become. I love that the teamwork that we've always had is coming through even more now and proving to be a great asset to our family. OUR FAMILY :) I love those words. I am truly living my dream right now, and I can hardly believe how blessed I am.
That's the other thing that has changed. I pray a lot more now. I pray daily on my drives to/from work. I pray thanking God for my many blessings, asking him to help traffic not be so bad so that I can get back to my baby quickly, asking him to heal her when she's sick, and a lot of times just saying, "Wow, God. You really do know what you're doing, don't you?" I don't know what I did to deserve such blessings, but they are not taken for granted. I promise you that. I'm well aware of how blessed I am.
My baby girl, when I brought her home from the hospital I wondered if she even knew I existed. I realized everything she had to learn and it overwhelmed me. Now I look at her, able to sit up (for a couple seconds) on her own, giggling, baby jabbering, grabbing her toys, rolling around, scooting, curious what's going on when there's activity...she's learning so much! And now it's not so overwhelming. She still has so much to learn - I mean, she can't even talk or stand yet, but now I've seen how far she's come and I know she can do it. I now know why our parents told us when we were little that we could do anything in the world, be anything we wanted to be - because it's true.
It's only been 6 months and already I can hardly remember life before Abigail. It feels like that move, Pleasentville. Like I was living life in black & white, and then I had Abigail and everything turned to color. Like when I got glasses for the first time & realized that I'd been seeing everything blurry and with the glasses all the colors were brighter, sharper, in focus!
Happy half birthday, Abigail! I love you!
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